Tonight's blog is not for the faint of heart and I truly hope that I can get through it. I have wanted to speak about my experiences but wasn't sure how to do so. This is the best way I can figure out so I hope that you will find it encouraging. If you listen to country music than you know the song with the chorus that always stands out in my mind, "If you're going through hell, Keep on going, don't slow down, If you're scared, don't show it, You might get out, Before the devil even knows you're there" My family has been put through our own hell for the past 10 years, it continues to show up on our doorstep. For some reason, IT decided to strike during both of my pregnancies, as well as my Junior year of high school. I am sure you are wondering what in the world is IT? Cancer, that vile, awful word. When you hear the word cancer, you automatically cringe. It's one of those words that no matter how you work it into conversation, you have the same response. Gasp, tears, or you are just plain speechless.
My junior year of high school my mother was diagnosed with leukemia. How in the world does a 17 year old cope with something such as this? I can say I didn't do it properly that is for sure. I ran, I ran from everything, school, family, friends. You name it, I hid from it. I didn't want to talk about it, I didn't want to hear about it, I just wanted it to be over. Dustin and I had just started dating at the time and he was the only person that I wanted to be with. He made me forget everything. It was easy to run from everything when I had him there to distract me. Unfortunately, I wasn't there for a lot of her battle because I couldn't deal with it. She made a lot of trips to Tampa, suffered through bone marrow biopsies, and constant aching, fatigue, and sickness. She had to go through chemo but a much different way. It was administered in a pill format. Almost ten years later, she has won her battle. No more cancer, she still has to go to Moffitt occasionally for check ups but for the most part she is free and clear! The power of Prayer is amazing!
Pregnancy #1, June-Julyish of 2009, IT strikes yet again. My grandma, mom's mom, who is the most wonderful soft spoken woman you will ever meet, was diagnosed with breast cancer. Seriously, this is supposed to be a happy and exciting time for our family and IT has to freaking ruin it. I remember the moment I found out. I was driving on the interstate, sobbing uncontrollably. I had to pull it together because if I didn't, I would crash. I begin to pray, the only thing that is going to get me through. The lump was removed and chemo begins. She was so incredibly strong through it all. She began to lose her hair and then it was real. The first time I saw her with her bonnet on, I almost lost it. I wanted to run again but it wasn't so easy this time. I had a job, I had a husband, and I had a little girl on the way. I had so many days that I spent crying in the bathroom at work. It was very overwhelming for me. I was going to get through this, SHE was going to get through this. She found a wig to wear that was so similar to her hair that you couldn't even tell. Phew, I have my grandma back. I could pretend she wasn't sick, when she had her wig on. She fought through months of chemo, and then radiation. After a year of dealing with that mess she was finally done! She was free and clear. No more cancer. The power of prayer is amazing.
Pregnancy #2, at this point I am beginning to think that I am cursing my family members. Do I DARE have a 3rd, I am not sure yet. I don't know if I can handle IT showing up again. This time, we are on a family trip going to Atlanta for FSU's bowl game, it's New Years Eve and we couldn't be having anymore fun, or could we. About halfway to Atlanta, Grandaddy (dad's step dad) begins to have terrible abdominal cramps. He has taken every medicene in the truck, tums, gas x, you name it, nothing is putting a dent in the pain. It gets so bad that he can't even drive anymore, Dustin has to take over the wheel. Oh my, if it isn't bad enough that grandaddy is hurting now Dustin is driving his car. This brings on a whole new level of panic for me. We make it to Atlanta, he tries to eat some dinner but ends up going to rest in the car. We get to the stadium and he goes to the medical station and the only thing they can do is take him to the ER to run tests. He says NO WAY, that is not an option. He suffers through the game, and we come home. Later that week he gets an appointment with his doctor and a series of tests are run. IT has struck again. Exact same time during this pregnancy as the last. This time, it is lymphoma, in three places. Again, I want to run rather than face this diagnosis. Going to church was especially hard and I found myself sobbing in the bathroom on many Sundays. God laid this on our plate for a reason and He was going to get us through this. It seemed as though every song that was chosen to sing conveyed that to our family. Again, we are going through chemo, a two day stint, once a month for 6 months. He just completed his second to last round, and is feeling okay. The first few treatments were awful, nausea and vomitting sidelined him from all activities for several days afterwards. My uncle is a pharmacist and advised him on how to better utilize his nausea meds, the past few treatments have been better. A couple of weeks ago his PET scan revealed that there is only ONE active "site" at this point and it has significantly decreased in size!! Hallelujah God is good. Again, the power of prayer is an amazing thing.
Do my pregnancies really have to do with IT showing up? Probably not, I am looking at it from a negative stand point because IT has overshadowed both pregnancies, making it difficult to be excited for the baby. How can you really be excited when someone so close to you has been given, in my mind, their death sentence? I should look at it from a completely opposite standpoint though. Maybe God gave us the pregnancies to keep our minds off of the negative things going on in our lives. It is so wonderful to be bringing a life into the world. It is something they can focus on to keep their minds off of what is going on with them. My mom and grandparents have accomplished something that a lot of people don't get the chance to do. Not only did they overcome and kick IT's ass, but they also got to meet their grand and great granddaughters. How wonderful is that? All three of them got to walk the victory lap at this year's Relay for Life walk and that is just amazing. God gives us adversities and we must find the strength to overcome them. If IT shows up in your life, you can and will overcome it.
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